He (Jesus) took Peter, James, and John with him, and he began to be deeply distressed and troubled. He said to them, “I am deeply grieved to the point of death. Remain here and stay awake.” Mark 14:33-34 (CSB)
Have you ever noticed, that when you’re in the middle of a situation, something that brings comfort is when you find someone who knows what you’re going through? It suddenly feels valid. You know you’re not alone because you’re not the only one who’s dealt with it. You feel comfort by knowing your experience has a name, a voice, a description?
The year started off with what I thought was great potential. It was a year I had hoped would lay a new foundation for moving forward in a positive direction. But 2020 soon indicted that it was not going to set a foundation in the way I was expecting. Rejection, pain, relationships changed, health concerns, my job shifted, and like most of us, I lost engagement with all three of my life-on-life communities which brought isolation. And this was all within a matter of mere months. To add to it, a family member passed away from cancer, an old friend also passed away, and finally, the new steps I took to try to take care of myself quickly placed me in yet another situation that brought more pain, more isolation, more grief, and a tremendous amount of sorrow.
As a result, a new struggle came that I’d not yet had to experience. I’ve had seasons of depression in the past, and some of them were very deep, dark, and very painful, but this time it came differently. I would go for walks in nature, something that would normally bring a calm and healing. Yet, instead of feeling relief, daydreams of serious self-harm began to creep into my consciousness. What I quickly recognized was this kind of self-harm, if engaged in, could very potentially lead to death.
This honestly scared me as I knew this wasn’t my “normal” experience with depression. It prompted me to realize just how much I really wasn’t doing well. Not wanting to head this direction, I reached out to some trusted individuals and vulnerably explained what was going on. At their counsel, I then took a quick trip to Colorado for some time with family and the mountains. This also allowed me some extra time with the Lord, to pray, rest, read, and write.
During one of these Colorado afternoons with the Lord, sitting in my brother’s leather recliner, I suddenly came across this account of Jesus’s own experience with depression in Mark 14. Jesus was at the garden of Gethsemane. He was getting ready to walk through the most painful time of his life as he knew the events, the betrayal, pain, and suffering that were about to happen. In this passage Mark explains the emotional state as Jesus experiences it. “And he (Jesus) began to be greatly distressed and troubled. And he said to them, “My soul is very sorrowful, even to death.” (vs. 33-34) Another translation phrases it as, “deeply grieved to the point of death.” Jesus was so overwhelmed with trouble, the pain, the present grief and sorrow, that he felt this depression in a very real and deep way. One that led to a place of feeling death.
Suddenly I wasn’t alone. Warm tears immediately began flowing down my cheeks. I’d never seen this before. What God knew I needed to understand in that moment was that I was not the only one. I was not the only one who had experienced this emotion and struggle as someone had gone before me and understood. Not only that, but it wasn’t just anyone. The God who created me got it, not just because He made me, but because He knew all about it from walking through it himself. Jesus felt this same kind of deep grief and pain, pain so overwhelming it caused a feeling towards death.
If we look at the context of this passage, simply having his close friends with him wasn’t enough to remove the pang of depression and grief as he wrestled through. He had Peter, James, and John with him but Jesus didn’t just ask them to be present, he asked his three friends to spend time praying for him. Then he went a little further to spend time in the Father’s presence alone. In prayer, Jesus wrestled with the emotions, he struggled through what he was feeling and facing.
We also notice Jesus’s stance in his time with God. “All things are possible for you.” (vs 36) He spoke of the Father’s character. He chose to remind himself and attest to the fact that God could do anything, including change the situation so he didn’t have to walk through what was coming next. Yet at the same time, he also begs the Father that he wouldn’t have to go through what was about to happen.
Do you ever find yourself begging God to remove a circumstance? Perhaps it’s the battle with cancer, the wound from a friend, a family conflict that won’t seem to resolve, or the broken relationship that doesn’t seem like it will ever mend? Perhaps the battle with infertility, the emotions that don’t make any sense, or the suffering that just has no end in site? Even Jesus, who helped orchestrate the plan for redemption, asked the Father if it was possible to not go through what was happening. He wrestled with it, he engaged in prayer, and even asked his closest friends to help pray with him during this trouble. But then we notice in the second part of his response, the surrender. “Nevertheless, not what I will, but what you will.” (vs. 36) Jesus asked for both change and yet also for the Father’s will, in spite of the pain. He didn’t leave it at just one or the other.
It’s okay to have grief and sorrow. Grief is hard and painful, but even when it gets to the point that we despair, even of life itself, be reminded that the Jesus knows firsthand of your experience, not only because he made you, but also because he had to walk through it himself. He was human in all of his experiences. This is why in the Hebrews the writer mentions, “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.” (Heb. 4:15) Jesus was tempted as we are, walked through the pain and challenges that we do. But we can have comfort knowing that he walked the human experience and felt every emotion we experience.
Sitting in my brother’s recliner that day, Jesus met me, whispering to me, “You’re not alone in your experience. I’ve faced it too.” Sibling, he knows. He is whispering to you, “I know, and I’m here with you.” In the depths of your painful situation, even when it feels like you’ve lost all hope or when the pain of your circumstance overwhelms your human limitations, he knows and has experienced it himself. He is with us in our trouble and distress. You are not alone.