So many times I’ve heard, “Just keep waiting, he’ll be worth it if you do”. It seems to be a pretty regular counsel for singles. But what if we’re missing the point?
I understand the intention. These are well meaning words, typically given by someone who is often no longer single, and now enjoying the blessing of being in a relationship. They’re seeing the fruits of that relationship, the beauty, and then turn to their still single friends and yell back, “They’re worth the wait! Keep holding on!”. It’s meant as an encouragement.
Let me first say that for the purpose of this conversation I’m NOT talking about the sexual side of waiting for sex until marriage. I’m talking about just the common phrase of, “He/She’s worth waiting for!” that comes so often from now married individuals.
So now that we have that clarified, let’s ask the question of this phrase, what is it we’re waiting for?
We use this as a point of trying to get through till the waiting is over. It’s an attempt at easing the pain of current loneliness, rejection, and redirecting the now seeming hopelessness that comes in those times when the wave of emotion hits. Where you once felt hope, you may now despair. So in the deep longing, the sadness, you now feel overwhelmed and someone tries to comfort you with “They’ll be worth the wait in the end.”
But where did we get this idea from? Where in scripture does it say that the season of singleness is meant to be a “waiting” period, and that if we wait well enough it’ll be “worth” it in the end? I honestly haven’t found that promise in scripture.
Why do we make it sound like some equation of long-suffering equals a better marriage partner? An easier marriage? And what if some of us are waiting indefinitely? For us as women, we may spend our whole lives “waiting” by expecting perhaps the tall, dark, and handsome Prince Charming to walk through the door and sweep us off our feet. The vision is that with him we’ll get to live happily ever after and all our hardships are over. Or for you brother, perhaps the expectation and dream is the cool blonde in a black dress that breezes by. She needs you to provide and protect her, and perhaps with her by your side all of life seems like it will simply be better, easier moving forward?
Do you see the issues with this way of thinking? This expectation?
Here’s where I’d like to challenge you, dear sibling. No matter your story, the simple act of waiting longer doesn’t automatically bring about a better spouse, a better chance for a longer or less painful marriage. It won’t guarantee less marital problems, less future hardship. This isn’t an equation. This is real life. Brokenness and pain are going to be a part of it. “Waiting well” as a single doesn’t guarantee something different.
Should we have wisdom in choosing a life partner? Most assuredly, yes! And I urge you and myself to continue pursuing the Lord for that direction, while also confiding in and seeking advice from wise friends and prudent spiritual leaders.
But it’s not about the wait. It’s not about the kind of man or woman you’re waiting for. That’s really not the point.
If we keep this idea of “waiting” (and really, what does “waiting” even look like?) we risk setting ourselves up with the expectation that we won’t marry a sinner, that both their sin patterns and ours aren’t something we’ll have to continue fighting, wrestling through. What we WILL have to recognize is that both grace, forgiveness, and redemption are still vital parts of any “successful” relationship. The Gospel or rather, Jesus, is still needed in any relationship. Redemption is still a part of any story, single or married.
What if instead, we recognize that this is a season. It may not be a season that we wanted. It most likely is a season that we desperately want to end. But telling each other to “wait, cause he’ll/she’ll be worth it” takes our eyes off of admitting the struggle, wrestling with our own flesh and desires, and puts the emphasis on what we hope to receive, not what we already have present. It blinds us to the reality that both singleness and marriage require strength and pursuit of a relational walk with our Heavenly Father who is the only one who can actually change hearts.
So what are we to do with this singleness season? There’s more to be spoken here than can be covered in just one article. However, we start by stopping the “wait”.
Questions for further consideration:
1. When we use this counsel, or are given this counsel where is your hope being placed when we’re saying, “He’s worth the wait”? Is it placing our hope in God? Does it recognize our own propensity to need, to beg God for the mercy and grace we need to make it through the next day? Does this form of “waiting” actually lead us back to the Person who says, “Don’t be afraid because I’m here with you?” Or does it seem to promise the whispers of idolatry. It whispers, “If you keep up doing what you’re “supposed to, you’ll get exactly what you want.”
2. How can you consider that this waiting period is more about learning to live in the moment, where you are right now, and less about what may or may not happen? (And this is hard for me too.)
3. Are you praying in the waiting? In the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus asked the Father for the cup to pass. He laid out His heart’s desire, and yet still submitted to the Father’s will. We can ask for something different and still submit to God at the same time. He might answer differently than we think, like with Paul when He says, “My Grace is sufficient”.